The steps to take to deal with a breakup
Whether you just met a month ago or it was a long term relationship, moving on after a breakup can be extremely painful and those first few days and weeks are the worst! I’ve had my fair share of breakups in the past few years and let me tell you three things:
- It is possible to continue living without someone and be happy
- Whatever happens is truly for the best
- Breakups teach you a lot about yourself
If you’re having a painful time right now, what’s written below might really help you, even if you’ve had a breakup during quarantine.
Why do breakups hurt so much?
It is hurting because
- You actually believed in something
- You felt really deeply for that person
And this is all very normal. It means you’re human and you have a a lot of love to give. And this hurting will end, I promise.
5 things to do to heal from a breakup
1. It’s okay to be sad
Sadness is part of the process and you cannot escape it and should not avoid it. You need to cry every time you feel like it. Don’t hold back your tears. You need to let the sadness pass you.
Every time you feel sad
- Hug a pillow or blanket
- Watch a movie (even if it’s a love story)
- Cry it out
- Write about what is hurting
- Text a friend
But by all means, do not go crying to your ex or an old ex or somebody you dated years ago who is now married.
If you’ve developed depression, anxiety and sleep issues as a result of the breakup, you should consider going to the doctor. It happens, especially after a long-term or an abusive relationship.
2. List down everything you deserve
Because the breakup is fresh, you must feel like your relationship was perfect and that person was your soul mate. But deep down I know you must feel that so many things weren’t going as you wanted.
I need you to understand that whatever happens is for the best and you need to realize that your relationship wasn’t perfect in some places.
You need to sit down and make a list of things you deserve in life and in a relationship. Following can help you get started
- I need my partner to support me
- I need my partner to trust my decisions
- I need my partner to commit to me
- I need my partner to not ask me for things that go against my morals
- I need my partner to give me time
I hope you get the idea.
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3. Talk to friends
I know that some relationships (the bad ones) keep you from talking to your friends. I’ve been there. This is the perfect time for you to catch up with your friends.
However, do not pick a single person and talk to them about your breakup 24/7. They might get annoyed. You should talk to different friends and try talking about other things too. Like maybe, your favourite book or music. Or watch some movies together on Netflix Party or Zoom.
If you’re looking for people you can talk to about how much it’s hurting, you can join our Facebook Support Group.
4. Treat yourself
Remember, nobody can love you the way you can. Show yourself compassion and don’t forget to treat yourself.
- Buy some new skin care or bath products so you can prolong and enjoy your shower time.
- A new hair dye and hair cut always makes me happy after a breakup. A salon that’s following SOPs ofcourse.
- Maybe a new phone?
- Spend time on self-care
You should definitely get access to our free resource library for worksheets and checklists on self-care.
I’m not saying that we should count on material possessions to make us happy. But freshening and updating things always helps. Also, we often forget to look after ourselves and pay attention to our own needs in a relationship. So, this is a great time to treat yourself to some things you’ve had an eye on, as long as your budget allows and without going overboard.
5. Get to know yourself
Talking to friends about what is hurting is great but you shouldn’t bug them all the time. They have lives of their own too.
Instead, focusing on spending time by yourself and getting to know yourself. You really need to understand yourself to feel fulfilled right now and in future relationships. I cannot stress enough on this. Being with yourself is the best gift you can give yourself.
You can start small.
- Do things that wanted to do but you couldn’t because you didn’t have time before.
- Have a longer than usual shower time
- Enjoy movies by yourself
- Take a walk outside
- Read a book
- Reflect on your day before you go to sleep
How long does it take to heal from a breakup
It’s different for everybody. Some people get over it quickly while some take months. Sometimes it takes years (that happened with me). I need you to take your time and not start dating again until you feel comfortable with the idea of a relationship and you think you can give. Being emotionally unavailable in a relationship is not something you need to do. It’s not good for your or the person you’re with.
What do to after breakup from a long term or abusive relationship
I know that it will be hard but you make it through. You will get flashbacks, they will stalk you or try contacting you. You might want to contact them too.
Do as you like, but remember, there was a reason that relationship ended and you need to keep that in mind.
You definitely should go for therapy for some time, especially if it was a long term relationship or an abusive one. It will really help you.
I do want to add that it will take time heal, might even take years or you might not be able to forget them completely. They might still be there in some part of you and that is completely fine!
You shouldn’t curse yourself for ever dating them or continuing a bad relationship for so long. What’s done is done and you cannot change the past. Everything happens in our life for a reason and they probably came in your life to teach you something. So, try making a list of things that relationship taught you and how it changed you as a person.
Conclusion – Final thoughts on healing from breakup
Be prepared for the next relationship. A few weeks after the breakup, when your pain subsides, it’s a good idea to reflect on your relationship. Write about the following:
- When did things start going downhill
- How could the arguments have been avoided
- Did you feel fulfilled in the relationship? Were your needs met?
- Were there any red flags from the start which you kept ignoring?
A therapist, friend or family member can help you figure these things out. However, don’t be intimidated by them and it’s important to understand what you really need in a relationship so things are better in the next relationship. The last things you need in life is a repeat of the same kind of partner.
- Figure out if you’re in a emotionally abusive relationship
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- Create a wellness plan
- How to think more positively
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